About The Song
In late 1979 Bobby Bare entered a Nashville studio to record material for what would become his Columbia album *Down & Dirty*. On one of those sessions he cut “Numbers,” a two-minute-and-fifty-second humorous narrative written by longtime collaborator Shel Silverstein. Columbia released the single in December 1979 under catalog number 1-11170, with “When Hippies Get Older” on the B-side. The track appeared on the album *Down & Dirty*, issued in early 1980, marking one of Bare’s stronger commercial outings during his later Columbia years.
Silverstein, who had already supplied Bare with major hits such as “Marie Laveau” and the Grammy-winning “Daddy What If,” crafted another witty, slightly risqué story that played perfectly to Bare’s deadpan delivery. The song arrived at a timely moment: the 1979 film *10*, starring Bo Derek, had made the “one-to-ten” rating system a pop-culture catchphrase. Silverstein turned that cultural moment into a clever barroom tale that mixed bravado, wordplay, and a sharp twist, fitting right into Bare’s catalog of narrative songs that blended humor with hard-won observation.
At its core “Numbers” unfolds as a first-person monologue set in a T.G.I. Friday’s bar. The narrator sits sipping a drink and quietly rates the women around him on a scale of one to ten. He admits there are no perfect tens in his book—nine is about as high as any woman can go. Verse by verse he builds the joke with escalating confidence until a sharp-eyed woman at the next table overhears him. She turns the tables, looks him over, and delivers the punchline: she rates him a one because, as she explains, “there ain’t no zeros.” The song ends with the narrator’s stunned silence, leaving the listener to imagine his reaction.
Bare delivers the entire story with the relaxed, conversational drawl that had become his signature since the early 1960s. His timing is impeccable, letting each setup land before dropping the next clever line. The arrangement stays light and swinging, with crisp guitar, steady rhythm, and just enough background vocals to support the tale without overpowering the spoken-like vocal. Producer work on the album kept the focus on Bare’s storytelling, giving the record the same intimate feel as his earlier folk-country hits while adding a touch of 1980s polish.
Released at the turn of the decade, the single climbed the Billboard Hot Country Singles chart and peaked at number eleven in early 1980. It spent fifteen weeks on the national survey and became Bare’s first top-twenty country hit of the new decade. The modest crossover appeal also sent it to number forty-one on the Billboard Hot 100, marking his first appearance on that chart since 1964. The success helped *Down & Dirty* gain attention and reminded programmers that Bare’s wry sense of humor still connected with audiences.
Over the decades “Numbers” has remained a fan favorite and a staple of Bare’s live shows. It later appeared on compilations such as *20 Greatest Hits* and the Bear Family box set that collected his Columbia recordings. While never as widely covered as some of his earlier standards, the track has endured on classic-country playlists and in Silverstein retrospectives, appreciated for its sharp wit and perfect execution.
More than forty years after its release, “Numbers” stands as a clear example of Bobby Bare’s skill with humorous storytelling. What began as another Silverstein gem became a late-career highlight that showcased the same relaxed charm and narrative timing that defined his best work. The record remains a favorite among listeners who enjoy country music that can make them laugh while delivering a clever twist.
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Lyric
I was sittin’ in Friday’s suckin’ on a glass of wine
When in walked a chick who almost struck me blind
She had wet blue eyes and her legs were long and fine
On a scale of one to ten, I’d give her a nine
Now on my scale there ain’t no ten’s, you know
Nine is about as far as any chick can go
So I flashed her a smile, but she didn’t even look at me
So for brains and good judgement, I’d give her a three
I said, “Hey sweet thing, you look like a possible eight
You and me could make eighteen, if your head’s on straight
Well she looked up and down my perfect frame
And she said these words that burned in my perfect brain
She said, “Well, another one of those macho-matician men
The kind to grade all women on scales of one to ten
And, you gave me an eight, well, that’s a generous thing to do
Now, let’s just see, just how much I give you”
She said, “You comin’ on to me with that corny numbers jive
And your style makes me smile, I give it a five
When you walked up I noticed that suit you wore
It’s last year’s double-knit frayed-cuffs, give that a four”
“That must be your car parked out on the curb
That sixty-nine homemade convertible, a three and a third
Now, as for that build, I guess you’re less than five
Except, for your pot belly, I’d give that a ten for size”
“Now that wine you’re pourin’ might be fine to you
But I’m used to fine Champagne, I give it a two
And it’s hard to tell what your flashin’ smile is worth
I give it a six, you could use a little dental work”
“But, it’s your struttin’ rooster act that really makes me laugh
It may be a ten to these country hens, but to me just three and a half
And there really ain’t much to add once the subtractin’s done
And since there ain’t no zeroes, I give you a one”
Well she walked out, while up and down the line
The whole bar was laughin’, said, “Hey Bare, what happened to your nine?”
Nine says, “Ah hell, soon as she started talkin’ I knew
Sure didn’t have no class, I barely gave her a two”
Yeah! No matter how good they look at first
There’s flaws in all of them
That’s why on a scale of ten to one, friend
There ain’t no tens